Here’s a lesson on writing business correspondence in English. I have done this lesson many times – very successfully!
The email is a real email from a corporate client who could not fully understand the lack of response he got. I have his full permission to reproduce the email but have changed the names and not mentioned the company or its products.
Questions with some possible answers together with some suggestions for further discussion and activities:
1.
This is an email sent from an international company with its headquarters in Germany. It is from the German sales manager to the company’s Japanese agent.
Please read the following:
Dear Mr Kawahito,
I am still waiting for your answer concerning the price of XXXX for Japan. I am wondering why nothing has happened in Japan. We are discussing possible product launches for over one year. I was of the opinion that after the visit of Mr Schmidt or after the Osaka fair there would be some informations but I have to ask every week for the progress because I do not hear from you.
A small country like Taiwan is planning to launch without any long market investigation 50,000 units of XXXX. Why is this not easily possible in Japan? You should be able to sell 50,000 in the big market of Japan.
Send me an action plan to realise the first product launch in Japan this year. Please send target prices until the end of the week.
Helmut Gross
The Japanese agent does not send a reply.
2.
What comments would you make about this email?
The email is badly structured. There is no introduction or conclusion. The first paragraph deals with the lack of information, the second compares the Taiwanese market to the Japanese one and the third demands a reply. There are no transitions and the connection between the paragraphs is unclear. There is a general lack of flow and cohesion in the content.
The aim and intention are unclear. It is difficult to know what the main subject is or exactly what the writer wants the reader to do. Bearing in mind the reader is a non-native speaker (NNS), the reader has to read the correspondence more than once in order to get the meaning.
The overall tone is direct to the point of being impolite or even offensive.
The relationship between the reader and writer seems almost like that of a boss communicating with a subordinate (or a parent with a child!) rather than a business partner. The email does not help to build and develop the business relationship.
The writer writes from his point of view. “I” is used five times in the first paragraph and “you” is used just once. The writer talks about his expectations and beliefs but seems to have very little or no interest in the reader’s position and cannot put himself in the reader’s shoes. He does not enquire about the reader’s situation or show any empathy or understanding of the reader.
The register tends to the informal with a direct question and imperatives rather than indirect questions and more formal polite requests. We are not sure of the actual relationship between the writer and reader but the register may be inappropriate. Business emails are not necessarily written with an informal tone.
Even if you know little of German and Japanese cultures, the writer seems to write from a national (e.g. direct communication) and corporate (e.g. strong hierarchy) cultural standpoint rather than taking the Japanese culture into consideration. This point raises issues surrounding cross cultural communication that can be explored in more depth.
The comparison (small … big) of Taiwan to Japan is superfluous and does not add to the aims(s) of the correspondence. It is possible to ask about the market conditions in Japan and explore how the market functions without making this comparison. The comparison may be culturally unacceptable for the Japanese business partner. Omitting this comparison would be beneficial and would not alter the intention of the correspondence.
The reader does not get an answer to his email and therefore achieves the opposite of what is intended. Communication breaks down and a dialogue is not initiated. The relationship is worsened rather than improved.
There are a number of language errors. Examples include:
We are discussing possible product launches for over one year
present continuous instead of present perfect
informations
wrong plural form of the noun
but I have to ask every week for the progress
word order – time should be at the end of the sentence
realise, until
incorrect use of vocabulary.
These errors prompt a lively discussion as there is an opportunity to explore issues surrounding BELF (Business English as a Lingua Franca) in more depth. The correspondence is written in English from NNS to NNS. Complete accuracy might not be necessary if we consider BELF. For example, informations is universally understood and the meaning and intention of the sentence with the wrong word order can be understood. However, some errors add to the difficulties of understanding the intention of the email. The use of realise and until are typical errors made by a German speaker and might not be understood by a Japanese speaker.
Overall, the lack of structure, tone, register and language errors give a poor unprofessional impression of the writer and the company he is representing.
3.
Why do you think the writer writes and sends this email?
The writer:
-
- is frustrated and angry
-
- vents his emotions without taking the time to revise his thoughts, structure the communication and correct errors
-
- has a lack of time and is under pressure, maybe from his own bosses
-
- has never attended any language and/or intercultural training.
4.
Can you suggest solutions?
Don’t write when you’re angry or if you do express your emotions, treat this version as a first draft.
Revise your writing and consider the reader in terms of culture, relationship, business goals and English abilities.
Structure your correspondence and give your writing flow using transitions.
Decide on the aim of the correspondence and make this clear.
Read your writing as if you are the reader and assess if the intention is clear.
Write in either an appropriate formal or informal register based on the relationship with the reader. An informal tone does not mean you should be impolite or offensive.
Have empathy for the reader. Ask about “you” and take an interest in how the reader feels and understands the situation. This will help build a positive relationship.
Use a spell and grammar checker.
5.
Rewrite the email
in a formal register and/or
an informal register.
Over to You
Do you have any comments on these questions and answers? Would you add to them?
Do you have examples of authentic business correspondence that others can use in Business English teaching?
Please make your comment below!